Anonymous scientist breaking shocking news
(Breaking Wind News) The NASA scientist who made the discovery spoke to reporters on conditions of anonymity due to the highly sensitive nature of the project.
Talking in heavily muffled tones, he said he’s “still exploring the region the hemorrhoids were spotted” but said that they are “massive, and really weird looking.”
“It’s like being in a black hole” he told reporters. “I can’t see them very well but you can almost feel them with this new technique.”
When asked about the difference between hemorrhoids and asteroids, he said “Asteroids, if I remember right, were way up in space. These suckers, it’s like they’re right here!”
He said this mode of exploratory investigation heavily utilized throughout the military, government, the media, banking establishments, universities and Wall Street, and that is has been in development in scientic and educational institutions for decades. Religious leaders have apparently been using this research model for centuries.
“In fact”, he added enthusiastically “Using this method was how scientists discovered the pressing global warming threat. Al Gore practices this continually with other concerned leaders in special United Nations conference rooms.”
When asked about his excitement for this technique and if it wasn’t just more head-stuffing for students, he answered, “Oh no, it’s for real. Kids need a real ‘heads up’ about true science, and this does it.”
“And it’s hard to unplug once you’ve learned this fascinating technique”, he added. “It’s really breathtaking.”
Reporters had to repeat several questions as the researcher seemed to have a hard time hearing, as well as speaking. But things improved as the interview progressed.
One reporter commented, “It really helped understanding what he was saying after they put that microphone up there. Until then the sound was actually pretty crappy.”
When asked about the danger of the hemorrhoids hitting earth, he said. “Oh, they’re gonna hit alright! I’m sure of it. I can just feel it in my bowels.”
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